Broken

I cannot take complete credit for these musings.  I have been reading a book as part of my weekly Bible study called Having a Mary Spirit by Joanna Weaver.  This weeks reading talked about being broken. 

I really don't like that word:  broken.  Being broken implies that you no longer work.  It says there is something wrong with you and you need to be fixed.  In some cases, it means you are headed for the trash heap. 

I used to run a free thrift store (if that makes any sense) called the Airman's Attic.  It was a place people could donate their stuff they were getting rid of and other people could come and all they had to do was get it home.  I can't tell you how much stuff walked in there needing to be fixed.  Sometimes I had the time to fix it, other times it had to wait.  I will never forget a dresser coming in and it needed a nail put in to keep a drawer on its track.  I didn't have the time to fix it.  I thought "It's a simple fix.  Someone will take this home and just do it themselves.  After all, it is free."  That dresser sat there for weeks.  I finally had the time to fix it and five minutes later someone finally took it home.

So, you see, being broken is not a good thing.  But it is what God calls us to be.  Think of the verses "Pride comes before the fall."  and "Whoever exalts himself will be humbled."  Think of  "All of you clothe yourself with humility toward one another because God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble."  Now, not one of those said anything about being broken.  Fine, try this one on:  "The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.  God, You will not despise a broken and humble heart."  Ps 51:17

God tells us He likes it when we are broken!  Insanity!  Or is it?  The saying goes that God is the potter and we are the clay.  If that is the case, then I bet He does get a kick out of when we are broken...because then He can fix us!  He can make us more like Him.  And, after all, isn't that the goal?  What's the point of being a Christian if all we do our whole lives is just look like us?  I don't know about you, but I want to look more like Christ!  Not on the outside, but on the inside...you know, where it counts.

So, how do we break?  Those earlier verses give us a clue.  Pride and breaking go hand in hand.  Pride is like glue.  Think back to a time when your feelings were hurt, you were passed over for a promotion, your kid told you your hair was ugly.  It was pride that kept you from breaking down and sobbing like a two year old denied a lollipop.  Now think to a time when you did something totally on your own, didn't need help from anyone..and didn't ask for any either.  Pride kept you from admitting that you lost your mind during that little project.  Think of all those times you've said "Look!  Look at what I did."  Pride needed to be acknowledged or maybe your motivation would have been lost to do those things again. 

We think that pride is a good thing.  Pride keeps us strong, encourages us to work hard, push farther, be "men" or "women" and keeps us looking good.  In reality, pride keeps us from being what we could be:  a true, connected, light filled child of God. 

This is a hard concept for me.  I enjoy being acknowledged.  I enjoy knowing that I did something all on my own despite the naysayers.  I enjoy being in charge.  I enjoy my comfortable life.  I don't want to be unacknowledged...I work hard around the house and with teaching my children.  Someone needs to tell me I'm awesome.  I don't want to give up on my pet project...even when EVERY sign is pointing to the fact that it's not something I need to be doing.  I don't want to give up that spot light of being the boss...even when it's painfully clear someone else really is in charge, not me. 

How to overcome?  It's hard, I won't lie.  It requires forming a deep and lasting bond with God.  It means we have to really put God first.  He is the one we go to when we are sad.  He is the one we go to when we need help.  He is the one we go to when we have questions.  He is the one.  Period. 

It will take time, effort and training.  We have to recondition ourselves to go to Him for all our needs...not our family, friends, spouses or neighbors.  We have to recondition ourselves to believe the He is more important than ANYTHING else in our lives.  Ouch...that's a hard one.  More important than fame, fortune, family and (hardest of all) ourselves. 

The apostle Paul tells us to run the race with endurance.  It takes training to run in any kind of race...if we don't train we wimp out, get hurt, or worse die.  So start your training.  Make a schedule of your training events...don't worry...one day it won't be a schedule, it will just be part of you.  Then you will be remade in the image of Christ, and everyone will be able to see it.

Final thought...Joanne Weaver said something that really stuck with me.  Our pride breaks the Father's heart.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to break my Daddy's heart anymore.

Blessed

I am blessed beyond measure. 

I know what you're thinking - April, you've gone and gotten all sappy on us.  Maybe you're right, maybe I have, but you know what?  I'm ok with that.

We don't take enough time to be blessed any more.  You read that right, it's not a typo.  We have to take time to be blessed.  If we just blow things off they aren't a blessing, are they?  They're a convience, an annoyance, or worse not even acknowledged.  How can we ask for blessings if we don't appreciate the ones we have now?

I am blessed beyond measure.

I have a husband who loves me, who comes home to me faithfully each night.  He honors me, respects me, makes me laugh, and is my hero. 

I have three beautiful children who annoy me, drive me crazy, makes me laugh, makes me cry, turn my hair gray and never fail to make me appreciate life.

I have a home, with electricity, running water, insulated walls, a garage for a school room, a yard for my kids to play in and a space to park my cars.

I have two cars to help make life easier so we do not have to stay home all the time, so that my husband does not have to stress about his kids making it to their doctors appointments.

I have food, more than enough.  My children have never known hunger.  I have never known hunger. 

I have clothing appropriate for the weather, more than enough, as do my children. 

I am blessed beyond measure.

With those blessings come responsibilities...I have laundry to do, clothes to wash, kiddos to wrangle, a house to clean, bills to pay, and annoyances to keep up with. 

I hope you, my friend, look around and see what you have been blessed beyond measure with, no matter the annoyances that you think come with it. 

I believe that you, too, are blessed beyond measure!

Rant

I will not post this on FB.  This is a rant and I fully expect no one to read it.  Good Lord, I hope no one reads is.

I am upset.  Nope...I'm pissed and I'm not sure who at.  I rage at God wanting to know why?  Is this a punishment, I'm sure I deserve punishment, but do my children too?  Or perhaps having to tell the children is part of my punishment.  Is it a test?  Well, what the heck am I being testing on? 

I can't learn a lesson if I don't know what the lesson is about.  I can't improve if I don't know what I'm failing at. 

I pray for other people, for other things...for anything that is not connected to my house.  Do you know why, because for a year and a half I got no answers.  NONE. 

Once again, 1st Sgt man has taken over our lives.  I literally see my husband for less than 3 hours a day now.  And when I do see him there is no interaction...no playful banter, no joy, much less any kind of relations.  He's exhausted.  Period.  End of story.  His Airmen own him. 

I was ok with that...mostly.  I'm not ok with the no sleep thing that he is doing.  But otherwise we are so busy at home with school work and chores and my school work and chores, that him not being here was mostly ok. 

I just wanted one bloody day off...with no computer, no phone...just us and the kids.  And some ass has to decide he wants to tell someone he wants to off himself.  I know, that is soo insensitive.  How cruel can I be?  Very, apparently.  Could my husband hand over the case to the guy that was taking over for him for 24 hours.  NOOOOO.  My husband is much less cruel and far more sensitive than I am. 

We were supposed to have a trip...hotel and all.  Hotel is paid for...less than 24 hours to cancel...money down the tubes.  I can shrug that off...we have done it before.  You would think I would learn.  I can't shrug off the fact that the kids were stoked.  They were excited that they got to have daddy to themselves, and a hotel and White Sands.  Too good to be true.  Yes, yes it is. 

So, the question is...am I to be a bad wife and leave him behind, enjoy the hotel, the sand, the interesting facts we would learn?  Or am I to be the bad mother and break ANOTHER promise so that we MIGHT get to stay home and play with daddy?  You know, if there are no more calls on the freaking cell phone (I HATE that thing) and if he can actually stay awake and if he can stay off the computer trying to get caught up.  IF. 

I have decided to be a bad mother.  Promises broken...we'll do something else fun.  What mom?  I have no clue children.  Go to the hotel here in town and do the water park thing...no, daddy's too tired for that.  Maybe we can go fishing tomorrow...you know like we were supposed to do last weekend and today.  If daddy doesn't get a phone call or keel over from exhaustion. 

So, God, tell me...what is my lesson?  To have more faith?  I have faith now to make no plans...that You will call my husband out to help everyone but his family.  To serve?  Even Jesus had down time.  To care more for others than myself?  Ok, there we go...the hardest lesson of all.  But it backfires...I care about my children and the fact that they know our lives revolve around daddy's crazy, stupid airmen, not around mom, or dad, or even themselves...but constantly at the mercy of a phone call. 

I'm tired..and I'm angry...and I'm sad...and I don't want to play any more.  What the heck was I thinking when I agreed to 3 more years of this....this.  I don't even have a word for it.  

I'm just tired.

Stress

Stress.  It has been my constant compainion, my not so good friend, and my hated luggage. Deadlines, things to do, a house to clean, people to be nice to, studies to complete...sleep to loose, kids to yell at, husbands to critisize, and just general havoc! 

I'm not a nice person when I get stressed out.  Who am I kidding?  I'm not a nice person when I'm not stressed out!  HA!  So, we'll just say it gets worse when I am. 

I'm sitting here, needing to write, needing to do something just for me.  I'm not getting a grade on this, nor is someone going to edit this for me.  I can use whatever point of view I want.  I don't have to cite my sources.  (and if any of you ask me for a works cited page...I might have to hurt you!)

I know I am not alone in this.  I know I am not the only person out there trying to be super mom or super dad.  As a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet that everyone has some stress.  If you say you don't, I'd have to come live with you just to see it for myself. 

So, what's the point of this little blog?  Should I tell you to stop stressing?  That would be like telling the wind to stop blowing in Kansas.  Should I tell you stress is natural?  Well, duh!  Maybe I could tell you to stress less.  I would probably get the response "I'm trying". 

I'll say instead, good luck.  I'll tell you that I will pray that your stress will be relieved and I hope you will do the same for me. 

We live in a world of bigger, better, right NOW!  I don't see that changing.  We live in a world of drugs, violence, lawlessness, discrimination, hatred, and fear.  (I just shot your stress through the roof, didn't I?)  Can we do anything about it?  Sure we can.  We can not live that way.  We can teach our children not to live that way.

However, we cannot make others not live that way.  It's time to let go of the fear of the future.  Pray...share you worries and concerns with God.  Now, let it go.  We are only human, we can only do so much...carrying the world on our shoulders is not one of those things.  God can do it sooo much better.  Why not let Him?

Now, April, you say, I'm not worried about the future...I'm worried about right now!  I have a kid to feed, no food in the cupboards, a paper due tomorrow, bills piling up, a husband that doesn't want to talk to me and a dog that needs his shots. 

That sounds pretty bad.  I might not have any hair left after a day like that.  So what do you do?  First, take a deep breath.  Offer up that prayer to God...I'm not talking a 45 min formal, on knees, head bowed prayer (although if you want to and your kid will leave you alone long enough to do that, go for it!), I'm talking close your eyes, raise your hands to Heaven, tell God "I need help!  Please help me!"  He WILL hear you. 

I have done that many times...and I cannot describe that peace that can come from it.  You have to believe He will help you though.  His help comes at a cost.  He requires your faith. 

Will life suddenly get easier?  Will your cupboards fill with food?  Will your husband have a sudden change of heart?  Will doggie diseases suddenly be wiped off the face of the earth?  Who knows?  Could God make it happen?  Sure!  Keep your eyes and your heart open, and you will be amazed at how He provides.

Am I less stressed now?  For now.  My kids aren't up yet, and my laundry and dishes aren't done yet, but for right now, that's ok.  Will I have to say that prayer today?  I have no doubt that is an absolute YES! 

So, I will leave you with God's words, not mine:

Our soul waiteth for the Lord: he is our help and our shield.  Ps 33:20

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Ps 46:1

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jer 29:11

The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. Ps 121:7

But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil [one]. 2Thes 3:3

I think that is enough for now. Enjoy the day!